Addiction....

The definition of addiction:
Is a psychological or physical dependence to something
With that said
Can I say I have an addiction???
To not a substance
But to the fact and reality of a man
Knowing the real
This is all bad
Bad for my health
Bad for my world
Bad for my train of thought
Needing to let go
Needing to say goodbye
But why can't I?
He has changed me but I can't say for the best
As he doesn't realize the kind of person I am
Never addicted too anything
He doesn't notice the change in me
But to everyone who knows the depth of me
The ones who know me too my core
I'm crazy and changing who I am
My morals
My beliefs
Is it really too satisfy my own needs
Or his, second to mine
I can't really complain because I chose this
Chose too make these mistakes
Over and over
He draws me back in with all his cuteness and charm
Why must I be so shallow???
I'm addicted
Isn't that the first step?
Admitting you have a problem
If only I could make it to that 12th step
Leave this addiction behind
Move on to greater and better things
I mean....a relationship, that only makes sense
I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself
Everyone has their problems
Don't they???
The fact that I know that it's wrong
Only makes me want him even more
The excitement of it all
As he throws me up against the wall
And has his way with me
He hits it like no one else can
The rush I get from the danger that 's felt
The danger of being caught
The danger of my feelings I'm scared to feel
Because of course I can't do that
No feelings should be attached to this one
But can I really help the feelings that have already been dealt
I tried too deny that
To him
To others
To even myself
With admitting my addicttion
I've admitted my feelings
Would you say this is funny
Are true feelings something to laugh at
Not taken seriously with telling the truth
I resort back to my addiction
Because I have not yet learned too let go
In the beginning the sex game was mediocre
But as time goes by
I've come to get a greater high every time
Like Rihanna would say:
"I gotta check into rehab
Cause baby you are my disease"
"Killing me softly with his words"
Shouts out to Lauren Hill
Fiesty as I am
You haven't met the bitch in me
The one I can be
I guess this addiction has calmed me
At least just a little
I guess I figure if he see's that side of me
He just may flee
But maybe that's what this addiction needs
Hard core reality
I will never be that bitch that he wakes up to
Or that bitch he falls asleep with
Not that I'm saying I am a bitch
I'm not degrading myself
Nor do I think less of myself
I'm in my own world
In my own state of mind
Though I don't excuse my actions
I didn't mean too feel this way
Aaliyah said it best
"If your girl only knew"
But of course I would never tell
I'm not at fault
The addiction is
I'm just a player on the sidelines of this game
True to form
I will put this addiction too rest
But in the mean time....
Can I just enjoy it
Or would that be wrong
I need too call up Dr. Phil
He always keeps it real
I mean shit
Can I at least call up Oprah and get something out of it
Hahaha....DAMN!!!
I think I need a shot
I'm making myself tired of this random type of shit
Tired of the thoughts
The feelings
The cravings
This man is a drug
And this drug has kept me contained
Contained far too damn long
Now one might think that now that I've said all this shit
I'm on my way to recovery
But I have to admit
This addiction is kind of nice
I think I really like it
I wouldn't recommend trying it
Because it only takes one hit and you're addicted
Well....
You live
You learn
I'm definitely living with my addiction
And I've learned with anything in life
That when something better comes along
And when you get bored with one high
There's always something out there
That will give you an even greater high
So I guess til' then
I'll be coping with my addiction
And waiting for that next high